|
| Time: | 4:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | Dishwalla - Somewhere In The Middle. |
|
It seems that things will be very quiet around M2M for a while. When we first heard the news, I was so sad, but now I just have this feeling that everything will be all right. It's going to take some time and a lot of work, but I think everything will work out for us. We were born to do this, we just have to fight a little harder to get there. It's not going to be handed to us like some people. Sometimes I think the ones who deserve it most have to work the hardest.
The fans have been so incredibly supportive of me and of Marit too. I posted on my message board about the end of the tour, and there was an overwhelming response of support. It feels so special when they still stand behind you through trouble.
We're back in Norway, and I'm sending plane tickets to Taylor, Zac, Mila, and Nat. I haven't heard anything from Mila or Zac in the longest time, but Taylor and Natalie have been calling me every day. Marit's gotten less protective of me towards Nat, I think she realizes that it wasn't Nat's fault. I would be sending tickets to all of our other friends, but I really just need the essentials right now..the people who know me the best and the people who have to be there for conversations.
I'm going back to the basics, what I know to be real and true. I'm going to drink milk until I want to throw it up, I'm going to stay up late and sleep until 3 PM, and most importantly, I'm going to figure out where I'm going with life. I'm going to get through this.
tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up
and I can't fall down
and I'm somewhere in the middle of this
well I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
but I don't like the way things are
and I keep falling to my knees
somewhere in the middle of this
|
|
3 ruined my everything
|
| Time: | 3:51 pm. |
| Mood: |  crushed. | | Music: | Dave Matthews Band - Two Step. |
|
We got pulled off the Jewel tour.
I don't know what to say, really. We were having so much fun, and then our tour manager told us that Denver was our last show. It was so unbelievable, we were just sitting with Jewel and then Jennifer came in and said she needed a minute with us, and she just said,"Girls, this may or may not come as a surprise to you, but tonight was your last show."
Marit and I just stared at each other and at Jen, and then finally Marit spoke up. "Our last show? You're joking with us, right?"
Jen got all shifty-eyed and said, "I wish I was, but that's not even all of it. If you don't sell a million copies by deadline, Atlantic is talking about dropping you."
I pretty much lost my ability to speak at that point. Everything we've worked for is coming crashing down. We were doing well! We'd been exposed more and more these past few months, first with Dawson's Creek, and then with the Jewel tour, but I guess it wasn't enough.
My whole world is slowly dying. I mean, just as one thing gets better, there's something else, starting with that party we all had. I wish that night had never happened, I honestly do.
The only good things I can see coming of everything is I don't drink anymore, I have a wonderful new friend, and Jewel loves us.
Woop dee frigging doo.
|
|
1 ruined my everything
|
|
Wednesday, June 19th, 2002
|
|
|
i've decided not to be mad anymore.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) natalie_ -- i'm glad you're on-line. i want you to know that i forgive you and i would like to get to know you better. i think the only way we can straighten this mess out is to all talk about it.
tay_h -- i...don't know what to say. i'm sorry i was angry. i understand now. i love you and we'll figure something out. i just don't know what.
guitargal_marit -- god, if ever it's been clear to me that you're my best friend, now is the time. i love you so much. you're my sister, and you've been there for me since i can remember. thank you for keeping me on my feet and for pointing out when i act like a bitch.
drummerboy_z -- you're one of my best friends i could ask for. i'm sorry your family has been sort of falling apart on you lately, first with isaac and now with taylor, just when things with ike blow over. you're incredibly strong and i admire you for that.
milakunis -- i know all of what's happened hasn't given you the best impression of the music industry. thank you for being zac's rock, and for listening to me whine when marit runs off with boys. we have a special bond and i don't want it to go away.
to both of my house mates -- you guys are the best room mates a girl could ask for. thank you for always letting me ramble and not yelling at me when you can't wake me up, and thank you for putting up with me crying all night long. i don't know what i did to deserve you, but i am glad i have you.
also, i have a new icon with this entry. i like it a lot, it makes me feel like i have talent. ;)
|
|
7 ruined my everything
|
| Time: | 3:21 am. |
| Mood: | sad. | | Music: | the bus. |
|
:throws up chunks of avocado: LOOK ITS alexis_b'S JOURNAL!
aside from that, tour sucks. jewel is amazing and it makes me feel so small i could die. the schedule is so rigorous that this update is going to have to cover the past month or so, and it may have to hold you all over until i get more free time.
taylor and i had a fight, did i tell anyone? besides saying the small comment i said before, i don't think i did.
we fought about natalie. he's marrying her, but he told me it's only because she's pregnant and he doesn't want her to have to go through it all alone. of course i got upset, because not only was my boyfriend going to marry someone, he apparently lied to me about being a virgin. he told me that he wasn't lying about that and that he loved me but didn't want natalie to get hurt.
he'd been at tour rehearsals and such for a while with marit and mila and zac and i (lexi and apolo ran off after my family party in norway to who knows where, apparently they're home...) but he left right after, and zac followed him to do wedding preps, marit and mila left a few days later because they were attending. they tried to get me to go with them, but i was so angry at him that i didn't think i could stand to look at them.
i ended up going anyway, and sitting in the back where he couldn't see me. i knew if we actually looked at each other, either i'd start sobbing and run out, or i'd start screaming at him. neither would have been particularly wonderful for his wedding, so i kept my eyes down mostly and just waited for it to be over. zac saw me and sat toward the back with me, he actually had to hold me back when they asked if anyone knew a reason why they shouldn't be wed.
BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE HIM AND HE SAID HE LOVED ME AND THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
anyway, marit and i flew back right after it was over to avoid him and his wife. his fucking WIFE. it seems so unreal, like it will dissolve off webpages and the photos will slip through everyone's fingers and it will all be back to normal, to where i fall asleep in his arms at 3 PM and wake up in the middle of the night, look up at him sleeping, and know that's where i'm supposed to be. i'd give anything for that to be my life again. i miss him. i just couldn't admit it then.
he called me today and explained everything and now i feel horrible. he's not the one who got her pregnant, but her father would literally kill her if she had a child out of wedlock. taylor cares about natalie because he's known her forever, so he told her for her safety, and the baby's, he'd marry her. i feel like i've fallen into "a walk in the clouds," that movie with keanu reeves where he does the same thing.
nat apparently understands there's no love involved that isn't platonic, and that he's still going to be with me as much as he can. we can't have a relationship anymore, though, because that would be adultery and being unfaithful, which is against the christian religion. i respect that he's strong enough in his faith that he would sacrifice our relationship. that doesn't mean i accept it or am happy about it at all.
if he loves me and i love him, why can't we be together?
oh, right, because he has a big heart. nat deserves to survive, and so does her child. the one who doesn't is the man who got her pregnant. he stole the life taylor and i could have had, and the life natalie could have had. in a way it is her fault for having sex outside of marriage, but this is ridiculous.
taylor, if you read this, i love you and i miss you. everything about you. your hair falling across the tips of your ears, the way your lips fall open when you're concentrating on music, how your brow furrows when you put every ounce of your strength into what you're doing. i can forgive you for marrying her, in time. i've started to already. just...
why in all hell did you have to look so happy in the wedding pictures?
|
|
7 ruined my everything
|
|
|
[whoever the hell jacked up "marion's" journal, nice job. have the courage to step out and say why you did it at least. she was staying the hell out of everyone who wasn't in this community's face.
issue number two: some people, well actually one person, in this community are interfering with MBP, which in case it wasn't clear will get you kicked out of FIC. there are already these people in that community, so just leave them out of this one, alright?]
|
|
5 ruined my everything
|
|
|
|
I decided to just have most of you come to my family party on Monday instead of making all those arrangements. I guess you got that, though, seeing as my birthday was a few days ago. I am finally 18! Yeah! I love you guys.
|
|
my everything
|
| Time: | 6:39 pm. |
| Mood: |  anxious. | | Music: | "Paradise" - Vanessa Carlton. |
|
not having marit around as much as she used to be for the past few weeks has made me remember how much i love her. now that i have her back, we're stronger than ever as friends and i'm feeling sort of nostalgic so here.
aww, she's so cute. my best friend just happens to be a grade-A hottie. all of my best friends are, but marit...she's in a whole other class than the others i have. nobody can replace her ever.
i miss mila and taylor and zac and lexi and apolo. are you kids planning to come for my birthday in mexico? you better be here with me or i'll cry. i mean that.
i just realized we owe isaac something. if he hadn't put whatever that was into our drinks, we wouldn't have realized that alcohol doesn't need to be a part of our lives. so we at least owe him that, even though it's still mostly his fault. we have to claim some of the responsibility too i suppose because we were the ones asking him to mix our drinks for us, but still. what he did isn't quite unforgivable. it will take time to get back to where we used to be, and i'm not sure i'll ever trust him the way i used to, but we'll always love isaac no matter what he does. he's practically family to marit and meels and i and he is family to zac and taylor so i don't see how we could ever really alienate him. i don't forgive him quite yet, but i'm getting better.
*Mari
|
|
6 ruined my everything
|
|
|
|
i let lexi back in a few nights ago. she's cool to stay. the therapy session was good. american promotion sucks. that's about all.
|
|
my everything
|
| Time: | 11:24 pm. |
| Mood: |  worried. | | Music: | Nessa. |
|
Lexi is changed since she and Apolo had sex. I am worried that she's changing just to please him. She never would have considered having sex if she had been sober, and now she wants nothing more than to be with him to have sex all the time of the day.
Needless to say, the party has been moved. Marit and I have to leave on the 8th, so I don't know if we can pull this off. Meels and Tay/Zac, do you guys plan to come with?
*Marion
( Where has my Alexis gone? )
|
|
1 ruined my everything
|
|
|
Lexi isn't pregnant. Apolo got her a test, but she didn't use it. She didn't need to, her period came. Thank God. She's really not ready for a child. She's still figuring hers life out, she doesn't need to figure someone else life for them yet.
I got the Vanessa Carlton CD. I need to call that girl some time. Her music makes me cry. I also wanted to say that I'm what my icon says. I'm a spaz. Zac tought me that word today. Party tomorrow, guys?
*Marion
( make me high on lullabies )
|
|
4 ruined my everything
|
| Time: | 2:37 pm. |
| Mood: |  hopeful. | | Music: | Craig David. |
|
So here's the deal.
Everything is okay with us, but Isaac is a different story. We'll be mad at him for a very, very long time.
Pretty soon here, we're going to have a party to talk about everything. But it's not going to be a party with alchohol. The wet bar will be strictly off-limits, not that any of us will be drinking again soon. We're just going to sit down and eat dinner, and decorate the game/music room. You know, doing something like that as a group is going to be really helpful I think. We'll get even closer together, and we'll actually get to know each other as people instead of just as partiers. We might do it tonight, what do you think?
Exciting news! guitargal_marit is finally in LJ land! Go give her some love, as in NOW NOW NOW. :D
We're going to do some promoting starting on the 8th. We're going to New York. I don't know who's coming with us. Mila will be filming another season sometime this summer during our tour, so :shrugs: we'll see how things work out.
*Marion
|
|
2 ruined my everything
|
|
|
|
DAMNIT where is zac or mila or someone? i need to fix things. :smacks isaac on his big stupid head: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO US???
|
|
2 ruined my everything
|
| Time: | 12:04 am. |
| Mood: |  stressed. | | Music: | Hoobastank. |
|
New icon for this entry.
I'm so sorry to everyone.
First of all, Mila. You are one of my best friends, and you know that. You also know, I hope, that there is nothing between me and Zac anymore. What happened last night was...well, I honestly don't know what it was. I just know that I would take it back if I could, and I love you.
To Zac. You, too, are one of my best friends. We've been close since we broke up, and I hope this doesn't change things. We both know that we didn't mean anything we did last night. I love you too.
Taylor. Taylor, Taylor. I love you so much you can't even begin to understand. I don't know what happened last night, but Isaac is going down for what he did. I would not let anything come between us willingly. You of all people know my heart. I love you with all that I am and all that I could ever be. The prospect of losing you tears at my heart with a pain so intense I don't think I could survive actually losing you. You're everything I've ever wanted and a half. You make me a whole person.
I hope I didn't miss anything. I love you all more than words can say.
*Marion
|
|
5 ruined my everything
|
|
Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
|
|
|
Congratulations to my Meels-babe on a wonderful 100th episode. You were so cute! Just for the occasion...I'm getting you this for your new bedroom. It's got a SHITLOAD of cool stuff on it! You better believe we're watching things on it tonight, starting with a tape of the best moments of That 70's Show!!! :D
Party's tomorrow night. I'll try to have the site with pictures up soon...
*marion
|
|
3 ruined my everything
|
| Subject: | DUDE. |
| Time: | 5:28 pm. |
| Mood: | excited. | | Music: | News report on the lead singer of Creed (car wreck, he's ok). |
|
good news!
for the past few months, my house (HTML site with pictures later tonight) has been being built. well, it's not just mine, it's mine and mila's and marit's. we split the cost, which was almost $2,000,000 in American dollars, three ways. we had it built from the house on that link because we toured it in a suburb of oklahoma city when that one was on the market, and fell in love with it. anyway, it's pretty close to the hanson house.
we're going to break in what is likely to become the best party house in our group's history tomorrow night. everyone in the ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) fakeidclub is invited, party starts at 5, you know the address. sorry we had to put off meeting you and apolo, lexi, but you know how it is. we gotta get it ready.
|
|
my everything
|
| Subject: | AHH too cute. |
| Time: | 12:22 am. |
| Mood: | happy. | | Music: | Singing "Wanna Be Where You Are" from The Big Room.. |
|
apolo_o joined! He worked with Mila at the Kid's Choice Awards and Mila introduced him to Lexi...and just LOOK!
x raven wings: So do you have any crushes?
X C0L0RAD0 STSK: oh yeah
x raven wings: Do tell!
X C0L0RAD0 STSK: your freind..lexi
x raven wings: !!!
x raven wings: That is exciting she will love that!
X C0L0RAD0 STSK: yup
X C0L0RAD0 STSK: I read her journal...she feels the same way about me
x raven wings: So, when are you planning on making it official?
X C0L0RAD0 STSK: well, me and her were just talking about it...since she is over here and all
Oh wow, I love it when that happens. So congratulations to my Lexi and Apolo! You guys rock! :D
Uh oh, that got me in a romantic mood. Where's Taylor? I'm going to wake him up! Hee hee hee!
*Marion
|
|
1 ruined my everything
|
|
Saturday, April 27th, 2002
|
| Subject: | yay |
| Time: | 7:22 pm. |
| Mood: | motherly. | | Music: | my new Hoobastank CD! They are so much fun!. |
|
|
alexis_b got a journal! I love her muchly so go and welcome her NOW. Here's a welcome present for her:
Hope you like them, if you don't we can always do something else. I also made myself some personality icons, so let me know what you think!
In other news, today is the last scheduled European promotional tour date. Back to the states pretty soon here. That should be fun, and hopefully warmer. Mila, Zac, and Taylor caught themselves a cold by running around in the rain with me the other day, I hope that I don't catch it! That would suck since we have to perform and all.
I watched the Kid's Choice Awards rerun today on Nickelodeon, Mila was so adorable with the Crocodile Hunter. He pulled a rattlesnake out of a box and freaked her out, even though she was a good 50 feet away she was shreiking, like "It's going to bite you, omigosh!" it was sort of cute though I guess. She took lots of little rubber snakes out of her box and threw them at all the kids to freak them out. LOL. I bet that was Zac's idea...it looked like something they came up with together. :D
I'll post again soon...but now I have to pack and get everyone soup. Haha I love that I can drive around and be the mother. Mila insists on wrapping herself up in 500 blankets and coming with me. I guess she doesn't want to be left out of the fun haha. Bye!
*Marion
|
|
2 ruined my everything
|
|
Thursday, April 18th, 2002
|
| Time: | 6:47 pm. |
| Mood: |  cold. | | Music: | Singing "Dreaming of You Tonight" by Selena. |
|
We're in Norway...it's freezing. I'm not kidding, check it out at Weather.com. It's only in the 30's, Farenheit. My feet are cold, but other than that I'm good.
The party was amazing...we had so much fun. We all got, as Mila's shirt confirms, "Elegantly Wasted." Nothing dangerous though. Taylor and I, before we started partying hard with Mila and Zac, we danced to "Dreaming of You Tonight" by Selena. Who knew they'd have that at the party, hmm? Well, it was very sweet because we ended up singing it to each other when we got back to the hotel around 2 AM.
We got home and basically all crashed on the floor again. I woke up with Taylor's arm draped over me. Mila and Zac...well...let's just say I couldn't tell whose arms and legs belonged to who. LOL.
Diana talked to Mila and I in private today...she pulled us aside and told us the sweetest thing. She said, "Girls, I want you to know that I trust you with my sons completely. They're good boys...I know because Walker and I raised them to be that way. I know you love each other, and I know that you won't do anything to hurt them the same way they won't do anything to hurt you. You're all old enough to make your own decisions, so I'll trust you girls and them to make whatever decisions are best for you. I support you and your relationships no matter what happens." I love the entire Hanson family! Yes, even you, Zach'ry. They're perfect in every way...almost.
Speaking of members of the Hanson family, my favorite member and I have a dinner date tonight with his little brother and his little brother's girlfriend. :D I better go get ready.
*Marion
|
|
3 ruined my everything
|
|
Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
|
|
|
Dawson's 100th episode aired tonight. How did I do? I hit on Pacey (sorry, Taylor!) and he wouldn't go for me, and I asked him to excuse me because I had to do something, and I got onstage and sang. He felt pretty silly! What did you think?
*Mari
|
|
3 ruined my everything
|
|
|
drained.